Jan
16
The Golden Globes were lame. I always say I’m not going to watch, but am somehow lured in by the chance that someone will go off script, or trip, or just say something really genuine, or better yet, something absolutely crazy. I’ll pass on politics – they always do politics as if we care.
Here’s my best dressed short list. And by best, I mean something I would wear.
Claire was so obviously not wearing a bra, love her for it. Geometric and modern – that’s what she said on the red carpet and yes (!). While Madonna wears her ego better than anything else (and this dress makes her boobs look plastic, and no one can figure out why she’s wearing one fingerless black glove), this dress is über cool.
30 minutes was all I could handle (perhaps even that was too much). I watched most of it on FF, pausing to check out dresses and then stopping for Best Actress to make sure that Claire Danes won, because she is so awesome in Homeland. She pulled through with a genuinely heartfelt acceptance. I didn’t realize she won when she was 15 (15!) for My So Called Life. Plus, since MB thinks she’s my celebrity doppelgänger I’m sure we share some sort of cosmic connection that she would realize if she just go the chance to meet me in person. Then I turned it off, because Hollywood is awkward. Ricky Gervais was totally making fun of all of them and none of them would really laugh (and we all know it’s true that a GG is nowhere near as prestigious as an Oscar which he said outright. Props to Jodie Foster for being the only celeb that laughed at herself). And none of them know how to talk naturally, which you think an actor could manage without a teleprompter. I’ll have to look at the rest of the dresses online some time today. Tina Fey kept making intentionally awkward faces into the camera (my hero). Also, there’s money to be made offering a class prior to the show on how to walk up to the stage in your dress. Madonna is freakishly toned. Both her and Johnny Depp have unidentifiable accents. I suppose Depp has lived in France too long, but really guys, let’s remember where you started – 21 Jump Street and Desperately Seeking Susan.
There. It’s just like you got to hang out next to me on the couch. Although you didn’t get to see my awesome bathrobe or watch me hog the licorice.
Apr
20
I’ve been lying in bed for the last 20 minutes savoring that just woke up from a good dream feeling. I know I’ve promised not to talk about my dreams more than once, but let’s admit that I wasn’t very resolute when I said that. Let me rephrase that.
I lied.
My dreams fall into 4 genres: Totally weird (Spirited Away trippy) dreams, completely lost/late for something important dreams, and MB’s favorite, my husband turns into a complete arse and leaves me dreams. That’s 3. The 4th is celebrity dreams.
Yes, my celebrity dreams do nothing but affirm that I think I am far more important than I actually am.
And who visited dreamy me? None other than Tina Fey. My fave.
We were traveling by plane, I think. Maybe it was a boat. But we were having that thrown- together-by-chance kind of conversation and she was dazzling, and I was complimenting her without sounding like a total suck up. I proved to Tina that I am funny and smart and so easy to talk to (because we all know I’m never prone to awkwardness). My self narration patted me on the back for my coolness. I admired her intellect and humor, but most of all, I said that she got away with saying the stuff nobody else can pull off – I wanted to know how she got away with it.
She smiled a lot. She laughed at my jokes. She enjoyed talking to me, and I could tell she felt like a real person and not a famous one. I awoke feeling I had made a connection and a friend.
Dream validation is awesome. And fleeting. And only a wee bit desperate.
I waxed philosophical while rolling away from the drool spot on my pillow. I often tell myself I would like to be smarter. Nicer. More fit. More generous. Less pale. But this dream is clearly a deep analysis of my complicated soul:
I just want to be funny.
Oct
6
Okay not really. I sometimes imagine that I am this person not affected by media. Impervious. Indifferent, even. Who has the time, right? Me. That’s who. And after talking with MB ad nauseum about why it would be such a bad idea for Brenda Johnson to become LA Chief of Police, I realized what a joy it is to live in a world of fictional friends. I’m pretty sure our next step is to put out a shingle as life coaches for tv personalities. I want you to have joy too. Let’s talk TV.
[click to continue…]
Jun
2
I should have learned by now not to trust my brain-to-mouth filter. It’s put me in some weird situations. Awkward situations. Like the time I was hugely pregnant with my first child and attended the wedding reception of a coworker. An older, sweet grandfatherly type that also worked in our office simply asked how I was doing. My response? “I’m packing a load!” I shouted obnoxiously across three tablescapes and grabbed my gigantic belly as I said it. My coworkers shook their heads and laughed, because this unfortunately was not a first. There is no response for that statement. What does it even mean?!
These things just come out of my mouth and I watch them bounce around and float there while the other person tries to figure out how to respond. Luckily, I’ve studied my social interactions and figured out when it is most likely to occur. It will definitely happen if I’m in the same room with a BFF. I’ll just let it fly and the more awkward the funnier it gets. That’s always a good time. Especially if you get to the silent, sucking-in-air laughing or the Angry-Baker-can’t-control-her-squinty-right-eye laughing. It serves me well in those relationships.
It’s the other instances that are a bit troublesome. I do it when I want to put people at ease. Why? How does being awkward make other people comfortable? Yeah, I haven’t quite figured that out yet either. As far as I can tell it’s my way of being honest. I’m just being me and that should take the pressure off, right? I have this idea of myself as some sort of Tina Fey commentator: Snarky but self-deprecating. Sharp but a wee bit neurotic. Mocking the political and the popular. Turning awkward situations into comedic gold. Right? No. Not right. I’m delusional. The majority of my post-social activity analysis reveals that I just confuse people.
Just this weekend I had another one of those moments and I came away realizing (because don’t I claim to be observant?) that this woman who I’ve know for a few years (not a good friend, but person I’ve interacted with many times) had no idea what to think of me. Not a clue about her opinion of me. Don’t we know most of the time? We know if people really want to talk to us, or if it’s small talk, or obligatory acknowledgment, or killing time talk, or I have to talk to you because our kids like each other talk, or I’m forcing myself to be nice talk. I could not identify a single one of these to label the interchange. Total disconnect.
This is the worst epiphany ever. I am not Tina Fey. I am Michael Scott.
Mar
19
Celebrities. Oh how I love to hate them. It’s so hard to get away from them though. At the grocery store, in my online news, and movies of course. I’m getting to that age though that I don’t recognize some of the people on the cover of US weekly. I have no clue why some people are famous. The whole celebrity gossip cycle is kind of disgusting – I gave up my “current events mags” a few years ago. They do still tempt me, I will admit that. I feel sorry for some of them that would like to have lives. There are a few though that I deem to be getting what they deserve. (Since I am in charge of that kind of thing). But, every once and a while I will come across a celebrity that I think I would actually like to know. Here’s the list of people I’m certain I could hang with:
Tina Fey
John and Joan Cuscack (I cannot explain my deep love for this duo).
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Zooey Deschanel
Fiest
Ewan McGregor (I had a newfound respect for Ewan after watching his motorcycle documentaries with MB).
Claire Danes (I have to list her, b/c she’s who I would choose to play me in a movie. I fear she might be too serious, and you know how I can’t have that).
I know I’m not the only one. I know, for example, that McChristmas is secretly BFFs with Jennifer Garner . I should probably add her to my list to, but McChristmas is kind of territorial. And while we’re talking about Jen, I should point out to Tall Skinny Girl that this is the person everyone says you look like. (TSG knows less about celebrities than anyone I have ever met – which is one of the many reasons I love her).
So, who are your celebrity peeps?
Jan
12
That’s what I’m hoping for anyway. What the what?! (Yes I blatantly rip off all of Tina Fey’s material. Expect more of that in the future.) What am I talking about? Tonight is book group. Not just any book group – THE book group. It’s been in existence for many years and I can’t claim to know it’s exact history, except in the time that I’ve been involved it’s gone through a series of negative reputations and membership cycles. Luckily none of the bad publicity got to me until after I’d been attending for several months. We’ve been branded heretics, apostates, and worst of all….liberals. Silly rabbits, intelligent discussion is not for you! We seem to be on an upswing or fallen off the radar because I haven’t had anyone take me aside recently to either: (1) warn me about spiritual death or, (2) try to get the inside scoop on who goes and what really happens. I think we’ve now morphed into the Old People book group, and by that I mean people living here the longest. I wish the reality were as juicy as the rumors. I suppose some controversy is in order to shake things up.
I’m not sure how Margaret saw past my newbie social veneer and pegged my inner twisted, cynical self, but I’ll always be grateful to her for inviting me so quickly upon moving here. At the risk of sounding effusive, it has been a wonderful wonderful experience. I’ve been validated, challenged, uncomfortable, enlightened, and yes even slightly offended. We read books I probably would not choose on my own and we follow the Las Vegas motto, “what happens at book group stays at book group.” We don’t always agree and that is understood. I don’t add much to the group, except for my unbridled sarcasm and irreverence. I try mostly to keep my thoughts to myself because I’m so very good at not making any sense. But I continue to go because I want to be guilty of being intelligent, thoughtful, articulate, and thought-provoking. That’s what is there. A brilliant community of the most welcoming, smart, and interesting heretics you’ll ever meet. I’m hoping something will rub off.
