To the Extreme

Posted on May 1, 2012 by angrybaker

I rock the mic like a vandal. But I’m also rockin a new ‘do that Magic Hands proclaimed blog worthy. We’re not worthy, we’re not worthy. I need to take pictures with a real camera, but these will work for now.

     

I went in with visions of pale lavender hair, but came out with some major contrast. Magic Hands had me at “you’ve NEVER done black before.”  And we were both afraid another round of bleach would make my hair fall out of my head. Not that I have much left. I like it when i exercise and put it a little samurai top knot. My kids enjoy pointing and laughing at the sight as well.

     

Can you see my birth mark on the left? I always forget I have that. What about my eye make up, can you see that? Cause I know sometimes it’s so faint and natural…

Posted in Hair | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

Awake

Posted on April 30, 2012 by angrybaker

I did not ask for a 5:30 am wake up chirp-along. Apparently, the neighborhood spring time birds think they work for Disney. But here I am, awake, and evaluating and analyzing the last 3 days in Ohio at the Midwest Pilgrims retreat. It was interesting, intense, and cathartic. While talking about our overall impressions in the party car on the way home, my travel buddies all agreed it was emotionally and physically exhausting.

The Pittsburgh heretics diaspora was in charge of planning this year, so I pitched in to help with registration and spent the weekend as the designated A/V geek. Somehow I got roped into leading a break out session (you can check out the entire schedule/topics on the site and FYI, it was packed this year – we sold out of rooms and had to find places to put people, which is a problem worth getting excited about). Would you consider it irony that I was presenting on managing a faith transition? Well, I did, and I really enjoyed talking with the women there and hearing about their experiences. There is so much hurt and there is so much hope. I feel like it helped me wrap my mind around what’s going on with me right now. I’m sure I’m not the only one, but after so much disclosure I feel like I’m nursing a major vulnerability hangover.

It wasn’t all powerpoint and research and feelings. When Mormon feminists get together we like to let loose with an hour long viewing of Colbert/Stewart clips about mormons. We also like to wear CTL shirts provided by Left of Provo.We get all full of righteous indignation watching MissRepresentation, and we get rowdy with the Age of Aquarius, the human sprinkler, the beatbox tightroper, and other stupid human tricks that I’m sure no one will admit.

I am building quite the collection of favorite moments with Valentine. Thank you, for being my roommie, and I promise not to divulge too much about our antics. We are not good for each others sleep, that’s for sure. I am considering making you a cross stitch. “I am probably going to learn something about the church I don’t want to know.” I’m thinking ivy leaves with a cursive font. Maybe some grapes?

The pilgrims live by a Vegas-like code, so I’m not sure I’ll say too much more about the weekend, other than to say I am surprised by my own reactions. I did not expect much going into it.  Though I did expect that it would make me want to start writing and submitting to journals again. I had things to do, and I was committed to completing the tasks and focusing on the execution. Who knew that watching and talking with these great women would renew my love of motherhood? I am in awe of female friendship and compassion. I am humbled by what I do not know and by the strength of people navigating the human experience.

Posted in Angry Baker, Deep Thoughts, Good People, Happenings | Tagged , , , | 15 Comments

The Week End

Posted on April 23, 2012 by angrybaker

When Mrs. NYU Lawyer emerges from the bathroom, she confesses how calming it is to know you are the first person to use the public bathroom. Something she knows a germaphobe like me will appreciate.

Luna throws her hand across the familiar table, grabbing my wrist, “It’s so nice not to have beginning conversations! To see AB’s hands and fluttering eyes and know that means she’s had it.” The dimness of the restaurant makes the lights twinkle behind her.

It was almost like nothing had changed. Scarfing carbs, chocolate, and fried food – the frites, oh the frites we can consume! We solved life’s problems Saturday night. We discussed you, CC, and lamented your absence. We considered carving our initials in our booth. We hit The Porch for dessert. Which might have been the 3rd time for some of us in 24 hours. We continue to blame Luna for our sinking ship, and I still won’t give up my bacon jokes. Mrs. NYU, I owe you the shirt off my back, and I’ll get it to you.

It was good. Life is good. Friends are good.

And busy. I’ve been working on a few assignments. Hopefully we can talk about it int he next few weeks.

Here’s the thing though, as I’ve spent so much time talking and chatting this weekend with lots of my peers I see themes emerging. We’re all looking for something new. New jobs, new places, new parenting ideas, new clothes, new ways of thinking. Perhaps a new brain-to-mouth filter. There is a great unrest amongst us, and we all thought we should feel settled by now. We don’t know what’s best for our kids, for our spouses, for us – where’s the manual? Where’s the easy button? I distinctly remember being sure as a teenager that adults had easy decisions and dull, boring lives. I’m waiting for that. Please, Universe, deliver it to me. And if you want that too, I’ll put in a good word.

Posted in Good People, Happenings | Tagged , , , , , , | 5 Comments

That is The Question

Posted on April 18, 2012 by angrybaker

I’m having that To Blog, Or not To Blog conversation with myself again. It’s very trivial and not interesting in the least. It usually ends up in the decision to keep going for the children! For posterity! For the record! Today, I had the thought that with my absence from certain social media, blogland is really the only place I meet up with certain people. And they are dandy people. Dandy people, ftw!

The nagging of it also reminds me that I am constantly on information overload. The numbers on reader creep up and the pins pile up overnight and my brain doesn’t believe in skipping over or skimming. Must look at all 32 pins! Must clear design*sponge cash before Grace finds another minute to talk about cool indie artists she is (of course) friends with. I feel like a lot of my interests and outlets are being directed by my online habits. I never used to watch make up tutorials before beautydepartment. What is going on with me? Worse yet, I feel like I’m not getting to my interests and outlets because I just have to check the twitter feed one more time. If only the internet wasn’t so useful or immediate OR my connection to the outside world.

Perhaps it is time for an internet fast.

I’m trying to figure out the details of it. I use my email for almost all of my communication so I can’t cut that. (What is a phone anyway?) Maybe I could just set aside a small amount of time each day. I can feel myself getting the jitters already.

I guess the purpose would be to see what I could do during that time instead. I fear it may just mean that my house will be cleaner. I’d probably get more than 2 books read each month. There might be less of the sandwich/cereal for dinner situation.

But the real question is, will I feel more connected when I disconnect? For real deepness.

Posted in Angry Baker | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

A Favor

Posted on April 16, 2012 by angrybaker

In about 2 weeks I’m going to the goPro workshop by Blue Lily Photography in Washington DC. (You’ve seen their work if you’ve ever visited Designmom, NieNie Dialogues, or Cjane) I’m totally excited, and a wee bit nervous. That’s how it goes. But anyway, I need to pull together a sort of portfolio of my favorite pics and I’m having a hard time. I know you don’t sit around looking at my photos all day long, but are there any that stand out to you? I guess you’d have to go back and look at some of the stuff I’ve posted if nothing comes to mind. You can search under photography or family pictures to make it easier. Just a favor if you have a minute to think about it.

Thanks.

And PS – I think I got hit on by a woman the other day, but I’m not quite sure.

Posted in Angry Baker | 12 Comments

Literal

Posted on April 12, 2012 by angrybaker

A keyboard. A three year old. A mom in the other room brushing her teeth.

“Mom, I’m gonna push your buttons!”

“Hughrmbhrth?” spit, spit. She sees the girl perched by the keyboard, fingers outstretched and poised for pushing.

“It’s my job to push your buttons.”

“It’s your job? Really? Well, that makes sense.”

“I’m going to do it now! I’m gonna push your buttons!”

Little fingers slam all the keys. Bang. Bang.

…..aaaannd scene.

Posted in Angry Baker, Dutch, Parenting | Tagged | 2 Comments

I’m a Survivor

Posted on April 11, 2012 by angrybaker

There’s a reason we have The Griswalds. The reason is that family trips/vacations are sometimes pure hell, and we need to see that other people have suffered in the same way we have. All parents like to maintain a high martyrdom score.

Our long weekend in DC was not horrible, but it was …. uncomfortable at times. Everyone was together. ALL THE TIME. Bathroom breaks became a source of serenity and meditation, sun protection improvisation became an art, and a few times we just did what the 3 year old said to keep her from pitching a fit. You’re welcome, DC tourists, for our polite consideration of your experience. Here’s what we’ve come to learn as a family of multiple ages, different interests, and varying degrees of bladder control (with the glamorous photos to illustrate):

1. Prepare. For instance, if you are going somewhere in the Spring and you check the weather ahead of time like the good person you are, remember that sometimes the day starts at 45 degrees before it gets up to the advertised 68. Otherwise you will end up walking around cold while your kid huddles under your sweater. Or you will forfeit your hat to the 10 year old to block the sun. Or you will end up sunburned with no aloe or sunblock for the next day. So sometimes packing light, doesn’t pay off. I only redeemed myself by remembering the Easter baskets. I’m not all bad.

      

2. Always take the grandparents. Or meet the grandparents. Or travel with another family so you can swap kid time for adult time. This is the first trip where we have not done that, and we noticed. We took sanity breaks in the evening to go out by ourselves while the other parent stayed in the room with the monkeys – that was our solution this trip.

3. Get 2 rooms. Normally this is what we do and we don’t end up feeling so desperate. Easter weekend didn’t provide us with many options. (I like Residence Inns that way we can shut them in the bedroom while we stay in the sitting area.) It also means that you are not woken up in the night by kids falling out of bed, loud yelling kick fights, cover wars, or random dream screaming. Continue reading →

Posted in Angry Baker, Family Members, Grandparent post, List, Parenting, Tips You Didn't Ask For, Washington DC | Tagged , | 6 Comments

The Capital

Posted on April 10, 2012 by angrybaker

I left my last post sitting over the weekend to enjoy Spring Break. Specifically to focus on the fam and to spend some quality time with my Nikon. We decided we’d scale back this year and go to DC. Close, but far enough away to require a hotel. Hotels are important to small people. Today, let’s just get a visual. Tomorrow, let’s talk about how to survive family trips.

Continue reading →

Posted in Angry Baker, Happenings, Washington DC | Tagged , , , | 11 Comments

Being Angry Baker: Losing My Religion

Posted on April 6, 2012 by angrybaker

I’ve been holding out on one more thing, and it’s kind of like the 800 lb gorilla in the room for me lately. How do I put this? I am currently trying to stay LDS, which means I am considering resigning. It feels at times like an actually physical struggle. It hurts in so many ways.

This is a hard thing to explain for many reasons, but in particular to those of you not LDS. Why is it a big deal? I would say to you that my identity is so wrapped up in being Mormon, that it would be like saying I don’t want to be a woman, or a mother, or wife. It’s that big to me. It is me. And to the Mormons, it sounds like I’m saying I want to go to hell.

Now before you go connecting the dots for me, let me say, I’ve had plenty of think time on the subject. In fact, there are days that the state of my soul and my faith is all I think about. All day long. It is exhausting. But I wanted to beat you to the punch before you tell me this somehow related to depression. I’m willing to admit it might be. I’m also willing to acknowledge that My Doubt (as it shall be known) became an issue well over a year ago, so about 6 months before the depression talk surfaced. So, I’m not sure that it’s not actually the other way around. I also know that even when I feel fine, My Doubt does not go away or magically resolve.

I realize that with this admission I will be talked about. By concerned family and friends, and my congregation for good or for bad. Perhaps I will become a cautionary tale of the hazards of too much hair dye and crazy dressing. Oh no! For the Mormon record, I am not engaged in any nefarious behavior. I am not associating with the wrong kind of people, and I am not reading anti-Mormon literature. I am thinking, reading, and feeling increasingly uncomfortable not just with the history of the church (that’s so 1990s), but with the church’s current direction.

The attention we’ve received as an institution for the past few years has made it difficult to escape to the faith room. The so-called Mormon Moment seems pretty long. Can 4 years really be a moment? I do think it’s good for us to examine and for our faith to mature. We get out of the black and white thinking and we venture into the grey. I’ve been in that grey area for a long time and it requires constant calibration. There are days I wish I could go back to the zealous faith of my youth, but then I remember the smug self-righteousness (not to mention the glaring inaccuracies) that encapsulated that time and I know I’d rather face hard decisions than be that person again. I think anything worth devoting yourself and your family to should be able to withstand your own scrutiny.

I’ve approached the topic with a few close friends, and the first thing people want to know is my list of issues. The problem for me is just how long that list is getting. I don’t want to enumerate my concerns via blogging – there are plenty of places online for robust discussion, should you be so inclined. (Also, I want to assure you that I will not be turning this into an anti-anything blog. It will still be my favorite self-indulgence spot.) As Mormons we place a huge emphasis on feelings – that is how I’ve been conditioned to find truth. So mental gymnastics aside, my feelings are what concern me most. I don’t feel anything when I’m at church, and I don’t feel anything when I pray. Where does that leave me? Continue reading →

Posted in Being Angry Baker Series, Confessions | Tagged , | 21 Comments

Cry Baby

Posted on April 5, 2012 by angrybaker

Dutch was throwing a tantrum yesterday and climbed up in my lap and cried herself to sleep. She has a very cute snuffle snore. While she was asleep I took the opportunity to take some one-armed pictures with my macro iphone lens (it’s a fancy rubber band).  The results are quite creepy and surreal. We were both wearing black, so she seems to be sort of floating. enjoy.

  

  

Posted in Angry Baker | 3 Comments